We need to protect the people

Grilled hobnob with Morrison's cheese single

It's been a whole year since our last tasting, so we've had a LOT of time to dream up cheese concoctions... Maybe too much time. We dived straight in with oaty hobnobs topped with a cheese slice, grilled.

Lauren: That's wrinkled like granny flesh.

Anna: Ooh, this is actually really nice! The fake cheese works well because it's not too pungent.

Lauren: It's so sweet but salty... At no point did I think it was delicious but I ate it all. 

Nina: This is all stuck to my teeth, ergh.

Lauren: I most enjoyed the burnt bit of hobnob that tasted like popcorn.

Jelly bear massacre

Just looking at these pictures is bringing back unhappy memories. We bought vegetarian jelly bears so Lauren could partake, the lucky thing.

First up, Nina tries a red bear with Gouda.

Nina: This is... This is... Delicious! (a look of confusion followed by wonderment lights up her little face)

Lauren: I don't believe you, let me try... Holy f****ing s*** this is disgusting, oh God, agh! Nina you liar, that's a lie!

Nina: I wasn't lying! it's the nicest thing I've ever eaten! Well, not quite.

Lauren: I feel like I don't know you anymore.

Next on the menu is a lime bear in Dairylea. Look at the poor bugger's face as it's drowning in cheap creamy cheese, somebody needs to put it out of its misery.

 Lauren: This smells like jizz. I can't promise I won't be sick.... *Chokes* Eat it Nina so you can feel my pain!

As Nina eats the Dairy-bear she makes a face like an old man who's just swallowed his dentures. 

Anna: Oh man. That's almost as bad as the pineapple jelly last year. I think it's partly cause Darylea is basically gross? So cheesy and so limey, and the cheese is slimey and the bear is chewy.

Lauren: My tongue went mental and it was overwhelming.

As if we hadn't had enough of this torture, we tried a red bear with Stilton.

Anna: This is a mistake.

Nina spits it out and shakes her head. I think we might have broken her spirit.

Lauren: Not as bad as the Dairylea but still awful, it's a lesser of two evils. Like, if David Cameron is Dairylea, Nick Clegg is the Stilton.

Liquorice and Gouda

Anna's mum thought of this one, she's obviously some sort of evil genius.

Anna: Hmm, tastes familiar, I can't put my finger on it... 

Lauren: I'm spitting mine in the bin, my mind's not open to that, it's all too much! That was traumatic.

Nina: It reminds me of being in a mechanics cause it tastes like oil and cheesy BO.

Anna: This tastes like meat! *laughs uproariously* It seriously tastes like sausage! 

Lauren: This is newsworthy! We should contact Linda McCartney.

Strawberry selection

Starting with Stilton (Lauren is crying at this point)

Nina: Tastes like feet.

Lauren: Yeah, but it's not the worst by far! I think the strawberry enhances the saltiness of the cheese and makes it unbearably salty.

Anna: I'm surprised, I thought this might be nice but the aftertaste is like mouldy cardboard

Dairylea

Nina: Tastes like off milk, ergh that's so disgusting!

Anna: *coughs* I think I've established I don't like Dairylea.

Morrison's basic cream cheese

Lauren: Like a horrible oaty biscuit. maybe I'm just partially sicking up what we had at the beginning? 

Conclusion

Lauren: This was all so horrible.

Anna: For me, the extreme low point was the lime bear with Dairylea.

Nina: Gummy bears have no place in the world of cheese.

Lauren: Liquorice was the worst. We need to protect the people out there who might consider trying these things!

If gold was edible

Toffee and cheddar

Cheese tasting sure does take you far and wide, and today we are in Brighton not that this is at all relevant. We have some real corkers lined up, starting with cheddar dipped in toffee.

Nina: Mmmmmm, yeah, mmmmm...

Anna: Shit yeah! I'm gonna have another piece.

Lauren: yeah actually, yeah!

Some really imaginitive language there. Next we take it another level by using Gouda instead:

Anna: I feel good about this. It's better than the cheddar.

Nina: I'm giving this a good dunk. Slam dunk the funk! It's just so soft and delicious, like a baby with no bones.

Lauren: I can't relate to Nina's comment. I preferred the cheddar because of the firmer texture.

Anna: I prefer the flavour of the Gouda. So Goud!

Lauren: If gold was edible.

Apple and cheese jelly, Pineapple cheese jelly

Anna actually invested time and effort in making this monstrosity herself.

Nina: Maybe we should have a bucket on standby...

Anna: It looks like it's got dead skin in it.

Apple

Anna: I had to supress my gag reflex, the texture is properly offensive.

Lauren: Oh god the texture is too horrible!

Anna: Did you just spit yours out?

Lauren: Yep.

Nina: It's just a bit gross.

Pineapple

I'm actually having problems just looking at this picture.

Anna: That seriously makes me wanna vomit! In fact it actually tastes like vom.

Lauren: We've all been there, we all know what vomit tastes like and it does taste like vomit.

Nina starts poking it with a spoon: Listen to that suction noise. Is that what sex sounds like?

Anna: I think that's the worst thing I've ever tasted. Possibly the worst thing ever in general.

Hot chocolate with cream cheese

Literally anything would taste delicious compared to that jelly.

Nina: it looks creamy and delicious. Oh my God... Oh my God. So good... Oh my God.

Anna: Super delicious! I don't know if you can taste the cheese but it's just mad-creamy.

Nina: Top fancy crazy-mad creamy!

Lauren: It's a step up from vomit but it tastes like off milk to me... It looks gross because it's curdled and the cheese is too subtle so I feel like it's just a less good hot chocolate.

Nina: I'd definitely do this again.

Lauren: Not in my house with my money!

And then it's like oh! cheese!

Emmental and marmalade

The cheese tasters are reunited once more, and to celebrate we are using some very posh cave-aged emmental.

Anna: This actually works! The strong cheese needs some sweetness added.

Lauren: You get the sharpness of the marmalade and then it's like oh! cheese!

Nina: It feels like a party doesn't it, I could eat that all day.

Cheddar and black tea

After the coffee experiment, tea was inevitable.

Nina: Earthy. It's like the cheese came out the ground. It's nice!

Lauren: (long pause) It's not gross but you just taste the cheese on its own, then the tea. Like having a cheese sandwich and then having a cup of tea.

Anna: It's not spectacular.

Hot cross bun with brie

We were all pretty excited about this one. Mmm, brie.

Anna: You know, this is not as good as I thought it would be.

Lauren: It's a bit disappointing. They just don't complement eachother.

Nina: I wouldn't make the effort again.

Tangy Raspberry Cheddar

Leaving it on a low, cheddar dipped in Lovehearts sugar.

Lauren: Oh God I can't deal with this!

Anna: It's really not THAT bad. It's like nice tangy sugar and then... cheese.

Nina: Fizzy cheese isn't right.

Surprisingly Average

Cheddar and Honey

Today we start off with a safe option...

Nina: Fantastic (let's bear in mind that Nina has said this about almost everything)

Lauren: Totally good

Anna: Yeah quite nice

Cheddar Porridge

So having made a bit of a boring start, we move on to something a bit more um, interesting.

Anna: This is not an improvement to either cheese or porridge.

Nina: Definitely agree

Anna: This is basically porridge-textured cheese.

Lauren: It just tastes like you've used off milk.

Anna: I think this is a low-point of the cheese tasting day.

Grilled cheddar and Nutella Sandwich

We have been hypothetically discussing for a long time whether this would be nice or not, so now's the time to actually find out. It looks gross that's for sure.

Anna: This is nice!

Nina: Mmm. Surprisingly average.

Lauren: Pretty good actually!

Banana, blue cheese and honey sandwich

Yeah, just put it all in.

Lauren: My favorite of the day! This doesn't make me want to die.

Anna: Yeah... It's quite nice.. I'm not sure I'd do it again. But I am going to eat all of it, and everyone else's.

Nina: It tastes like a forest. (none of us know what this means)



It's not unpleasant but it's not that good

Peanut butter and cream cheese on cracker

 

Nina: I like it... it's like cement

Anna: It's not unpleasant, but it's not that good.

Lauren: Both of these would be better separate.

[Edit: Lauren has stomach ache today and so is not feeling very adventurous.]

Peanut butter and goat's cheese

Nina: wonderful

Lauren: Again, I would prefer these separately.

Anna: same.

Coffee and cheddar

this is a concoction we already read about on the internet. Melt  chunk of cheddar in some strong coffee and then eat it with a spoon. Most people do not drink the coffee afterwards for reasons which became apparent.

Anna: I like it!

Nina: I would do this again.

Anna: Definitely. But the coffee tastes like oil. Bit of a waste of coffee really.

Lauren: yeah, it's not bad...

Marmite, cheddar and banana sandwich

our friend told us she likes this so we tried it.

Lauren: Fucking hell! Eurgh... There's so many different things going on there.

Nina: I like it!

Anna: That's horrible.